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Sunday, November 29, 2009
=S
thank you for scolding me for the past 2 hours. it really helped, helped to make me feel wrong, helped to make me feel like i’m worthless, like i’ve done all the wrong things that can ever be thought of. thank you so much, for screaming at me the moment you opened the door and bursting my ear drums with your piercing words. it felt good, like brine poured onto an open wound that never healed.
ps. cant i have a peaceful day for once? just when i thought it was finally over.
there’s so much to do, so little time. was thinking the other night, what if, i really end up going there. and then, it will be inversion of timings, gosh. i know it will be quite a challenge, both ways. i never expected it to become so real, too real.
university life is really coming, it’s only a matter of time. i still remember, when i completed primary school. and it’s like, oh, im in secondary school. 4 years flashed pass, i grew, picked up new skills (e.g. the whiney erhu and 3rd lang which i gave up halfway, sadly) and there i was, in year 5. it was really too fast, that everything seemed to come one after another and literally, in the blink of an eye, here i was, in the middle of A levels. something, that, well technically, we spent our entire schooling lives preparing for. it’s quite hard to believe that THE BIG As are really here, truth is, it still feels like a dream. as if i was caught in this whirlwind and wound up at the door step of the exams. i never expected it to feel this way actually, ive always had my own portrait of the scenario.
prolly sweating, panicky and taking deep breaths to tell myself calm down, it’s only another exam. but now, having only 4 more papers left, it’s starting to feel really really numb. just another exam, almost routine. we go there, sit outside for a while, go in, put the entry pass on the top right corner of our tables, wear our jacket, prepare our pen rulers protractors compasses etc, maybe take a sip of water; while the chief examiner does the formalities, reading the instruction to candidates, and always ending with the same phrase, now we shall wait for the clock to strike ‘8’ or ‘2’. and at THAT moment, you hear a frantic shuffling of papers, as every candidate who was eyeing the clock intently flip the page in sync. a rhythm un-called for but miraculously together. and it all starts, another round of answering, trying to impress the examiners with our capabilities, 18 year olds trying to make sure they can get an ideal grade. and then, you hear the sound of the mic and the chief examiner saying ‘okay, everybody stop writing, time’s up. no talking………’ papers are collected and then, the hall turns instantly into a fish market, people high 5ing cos they wrote the write stuff, complaining about how noisy the person next to them was, rambling about the questions etc. and you leave, for home/MORE MUGGING. and this entire process repeats itself 11 times. and OH! you just completed the greatest exams in your life.
and to you: i never knew it could be so wonderfully perfect. treasure what we have, it’s delicate and let’s make it last, forever.
too much? too little? too intense? too relaxed? not enough? was it ever enough, when was it insufficient? should she continue? why must she put herself through all this when she ain’t sure of what she really wants? uncertainty, irrationality.
open up. pls
peace out
when i clicked submit. suddenly, i felt like everything was going to be left to fate. well at least all that i could ever do is already done and i hope that it will materialize. actually, hopes held high, i really wonder what (touch wood) it will feel like (touch wood touch wood) if it ain’t what i wanted. GOSH ITS SCARY.
when you scream at me and hurl those stuff at me, when you give me mood swings and starts talking about how wrong i have been, when i get sudden doses of lectures more than i can take. well, perhaps i should endure it.
can’t you give me a warning? oh wait, if you warn me, if will not be as SUDDEN as you would’ve liked it. can’t you tone down and not give me a heartattack when you get so worked up? be gentler and more DEMURE. oh wait, then it’s not the right kind of venting your frustration. can’t you make MY day instead of breaking it? or is everyday NEVER my day.
its my FINAL lap and i need support. i didn’t study today whole day cos i had stuff to settle. did you see me surfing random sites? NO. did you see me watch random TV shows and waste my day away? NO. i was typing and typing, in my attempt to make everything work out and what did i get in return? rants and anger. thats great.
my tolerance, there is a limit. just because i don’t respond THAT much doesn’t mean that i have learnt to take it lying down. you don’t see how excruciating it is for me within, you don’t see me struggling to take my breath of air. all you see, is a me, that is less responsive, because i have grown numb, too numb, to all these happenings. i didn’t want it to work out this way, but did i have a chance? i am falling, deeper, into this pit of mess. and the debris slice through my skin, my veins and gnaw at my bones. splendid.
i need tranquility. and i need a break.
PEACE OUT
after slogging away for one month. settled 4 long essays 7 short essays. and now, i still have 3 long ones left. WHY…………………….?!
silence. detachment. must it always be like that when the clock strikes 12?
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
there are times when being logical, rational and unemotional simply aint enough for you to tide through. when the problem becomes too taxing and when your brain faces an information overload. looking back, its has been 6 years since that fateful day where he made up his mind. and the same 72 months has passed when she cried in her plea to make him stay. nothing has changed, 10 minutes then is the same as 600 seconds now. she was still her, and he still had the same appearance, yet, that was but a superficial impression. in fact, EVERYTHING that could ever change has changed. in one way or another and now she faces a very VERY different situation than it was like then.
one third there, two thirds here. and in the future, prolly one third each everywhere. she has became numb to that feeling, of detachment, of coldness, of negligence. she has forgotten how it felt like to be together, to be loved and to be identifiable as one entity. she has lost sight of what used to be so commonplace, and in place of that, she faces a new set of rules, a new environment and a new style of living that she never expected would have found her. it was always like that in dramas, but that aint reality and this time, it was too real to be true, too real, that she refuses to face the mistake. the revelation came too quickly, and it slapped her in the face like a brick on fire. but she doesnt have any choice but to learn to live with it.
you were right, although everybody says that you should face it, never avoid it, sometimes avoiding IS the best solution. it takes away the acid corroding your heart, it helps relieve some of the excruciating pain caused by those needles through your mind, it mitigates the disastrous consequences it could have on your emotional and sometimes, physical well-being. especially in a time like this, when the biggest test is coming, you need to learn to remain abreast of that information overload. you need to remain emotionally tough, and psychologically sane to tide through this period.
she is really really thankful and content for having you there to be with her through this time, and she really cannot put into words how much your presence and your smile means to her. it sounds cliché and corny, but it really feels like that to her. your advise are all that she can ask for, for she does not know who else to turn to. thank you, for the trillionth time, thank you <3