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Monday, October 26, 2009
if feels kinda empty
when i clicked submit. suddenly, i felt like everything was going to be left to fate. well at least all that i could ever do is already done and i hope that it will materialize. actually, hopes held high, i really wonder what (touch wood) it will feel like (touch wood touch wood) if it ain’t what i wanted. GOSH ITS SCARY.
when you scream at me and hurl those stuff at me, when you give me mood swings and starts talking about how wrong i have been, when i get sudden doses of lectures more than i can take. well, perhaps i should endure it.
can’t you give me a warning? oh wait, if you warn me, if will not be as SUDDEN as you would’ve liked it. can’t you tone down and not give me a heartattack when you get so worked up? be gentler and more DEMURE. oh wait, then it’s not the right kind of venting your frustration. can’t you make MY day instead of breaking it? or is everyday NEVER my day.
its my FINAL lap and i need support. i didn’t study today whole day cos i had stuff to settle. did you see me surfing random sites? NO. did you see me watch random TV shows and waste my day away? NO. i was typing and typing, in my attempt to make everything work out and what did i get in return? rants and anger. thats great.
my tolerance, there is a limit. just because i don’t respond THAT much doesn’t mean that i have learnt to take it lying down. you don’t see how excruciating it is for me within, you don’t see me struggling to take my breath of air. all you see, is a me, that is less responsive, because i have grown numb, too numb, to all these happenings. i didn’t want it to work out this way, but did i have a chance? i am falling, deeper, into this pit of mess. and the debris slice through my skin, my veins and gnaw at my bones. splendid.
i need tranquility. and i need a break.
PEACE OUT
after slogging away for one month. settled 4 long essays 7 short essays. and now, i still have 3 long ones left. WHY…………………….?!
silence. detachment. must it always be like that when the clock strikes 12?
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
FORGET IT FORGET IT
there are times when being logical, rational and unemotional simply aint enough for you to tide through. when the problem becomes too taxing and when your brain faces an information overload. looking back, its has been 6 years since that fateful day where he made up his mind. and the same 72 months has passed when she cried in her plea to make him stay. nothing has changed, 10 minutes then is the same as 600 seconds now. she was still her, and he still had the same appearance, yet, that was but a superficial impression. in fact, EVERYTHING that could ever change has changed. in one way or another and now she faces a very VERY different situation than it was like then.
one third there, two thirds here. and in the future, prolly one third each everywhere. she has became numb to that feeling, of detachment, of coldness, of negligence. she has forgotten how it felt like to be together, to be loved and to be identifiable as one entity. she has lost sight of what used to be so commonplace, and in place of that, she faces a new set of rules, a new environment and a new style of living that she never expected would have found her. it was always like that in dramas, but that aint reality and this time, it was too real to be true, too real, that she refuses to face the mistake. the revelation came too quickly, and it slapped her in the face like a brick on fire. but she doesnt have any choice but to learn to live with it.
you were right, although everybody says that you should face it, never avoid it, sometimes avoiding IS the best solution. it takes away the acid corroding your heart, it helps relieve some of the excruciating pain caused by those needles through your mind, it mitigates the disastrous consequences it could have on your emotional and sometimes, physical well-being. especially in a time like this, when the biggest test is coming, you need to learn to remain abreast of that information overload. you need to remain emotionally tough, and psychologically sane to tide through this period.
she is really really thankful and content for having you there to be with her through this time, and she really cannot put into words how much your presence and your smile means to her. it sounds cliché and corny, but it really feels like that to her. your advise are all that she can ask for, for she does not know who else to turn to. thank you, for the trillionth time, thank you <3
hmmm. SPEAK GOOD ENGLISH MOVEMENT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT MOST PEOPLE THINK. saw stuff related to this on the newspaper and online.
i agree with people who say that she ain’t representative of how singaporeans speak english. and this is tooooo true, more than i can emphasize. im sure most people can pronounce zebra and prints properly. and we don’t talk THAT much using ‘you know…’ and all. at least get a good english teacher/pronunciation coach! gosh!
ohkay lah at least this was a super effective stress reliever amidst the super taxing and stressful prelim period. hmmmmmmm
well, after talking to you the other day it set me thinking, for rather long. it’s true, that i don’t get angry or retaliate in some aggressive manner, no obvious displays of discontent whatsoever. but sometimes, i guess not responding negatively sets others wondering if i really do have a temper, a threshold and stuff. fact is, it is there, just that over the years i have learnt to control it, to a much greater extent than i used to be able to. whatever .. says and all, and actions, it does leave an impact, it is just whether i show it explicitly. there are times when i get really hurt, but jus laugh if off and seem to take it with a pinch of salt.
i mean, if you treat it with so much care as you promised, obviously it ain’t deserving of how or what you are hurling at it. it’s only logical.
laughing off matters, making hurtful things seemingly insignificant is just my way of not making a mountain out of a molehill or being oversensitive etc. i guess there is a limit, which ain’t apparent and obvious enough. certain words are like acid on an open wound, it really stings. other actions leave an invisible bruise.
believes that, as cliché as it sounds, time is the panacea for everything. and believe that only time can tell what is lying beneath.
currently slightly more than 2 months from A levels, less than a week from prelims. mugging shall be my opiate. no more blogging. at least till i get too stressed up about mugging and CSC and whatever.
peace~
she feels the difference, the other day, there. something has changed, and she is trying to make sense of that distinguishing ring which is deafeningly silent. attempting to comprehend the transformation in attitude and stuff. is she on the right track? hmm…
feeling the stress coming too rapidly. must be ready for it, there exists no choice. headache again, lack of sleep perhaps. needs ample rest, ample preparation and ample self discipline to make it all work out.
STUDY LAH.